I am sad. I am not smiling.
It’s almost 2 a.m.
I have to get up in approximately 6 hours for worship practice. I am dead tired. Yet I am compelled to share something on my heart. Right this moment.
My heart is broken.
And continues to break. Every single day.
Why? Because I think God has finally grabbed ahold of my heart for the first time in possibly my whole life.
Yes, I have been a faithful servant and Son of Abba for years. I try to do good. I press on toward the high calling of God. I give money to random strangers in the parking lot who ask for money, explaining their well-rehearsed, far-fetched story that probably isn’t true. I tithe 10-11% of my income to the Church. I lead worship. I pray and read the Word a fair amount….yet clearly not even near the amount that I know I should. I do all these things. And I love Jesus. I love my Daddy.
But what has changed in me? Why am I at the edge of tears when I think about my favorite actors? Why do I almost break down and weep when I see people I don’t even know walk by me at a concert?
God has gripped my heart as it beats under my rib bones and pale white flesh……and He has brought it closer to His.
I feel His heartbeat.
I have finally been compelled to Love. And to feel the frailty of life at every corner.
These people whom I know nothing about…break. my. heart.
I can see it in their eyes. In the way they walk. In the way they converse with me and others. In the way they are searching. Searching for meaning, purpose, answers, and Love. A Love so Divine and True, yet so faint to their drunken/tearful/hazy/angry/blind eyes.
They seek Him every day without even knowing it. Some more aware than others of just what it is they are searching for. And I want them to find Him so badly.
…but I feel so helpless.
I will be acting much more intentionally towards these people. I plan to, at least. Whether or not that makes the difference, I am unsure. But I have to change something.
I love them. As cruel and as messed up they may be. I love them.
My Dad Loves them too.
He actually Loved them first.
That makes me happy. That makes me smile.