I am a Child.

I wrote this blog back in December. And I seemed to have my head about me. I definitely didn’t follow through with pretty much everything I said in this post. So I’m reposting as a way of saying, ” I’m going to do this, this time”. Enjoy….again.

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Want. »> What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear that word?

A couple of words that come to my mind are…

Pursue.

Desire.

Reach for.

Run.

Grab/Grasp.

Longing.

You might have thought of some of the same words. Then again, maybe you didn’t. But there’s a reason this is my blog, not yours. HA!

jk.

But seriously.

I consider this post as a “partial” continuation of my other two from yesterday. Both of them contained brief ideas of wanting things and/or decisions. Which is what this post is directed towards.

I want things. Physical things (Also known as Worldly things). I want Spiritual things. Such as to be closer to God than I am right now (which should be a “want” of everyone). I want People. I have so many great friends that enjoy immensely. I also have some really close friends that know who I really am inside. They know my junk. My secrets. My past. My sin. Everything….{almost}. I find myself always wanting to be with these people. This happens because strong bonds have been formed over a certain amount of time. Whether I have known them for a long period of time or a short amount of time. I even want to be with people I just met (it can be the day, week, or month I meet them, too). And sometimes it’s more than just enjoying a person’s company (aka friendship). Sometimes it’s a more intimate relationship. I don’t want that though. My flesh does, and my heart does. But God doesn’t want that. At least not right now. At this time in my life. I am in no condition to want or pursue something more than a friendship. And I won’t. I refuse. I will pursue God. Not my wants. Not my desires.

I want to want God so much that my wants become His wants.

I hate being selfish with my desires. I hate being selfish with my time. I hate being just plain selfish. With everything.

Especially Relationships.

But that’s a whole ‘nother blog.

I am going to set aside all my own personal wants and desires right now in my life. Because I know it is selfish. And I know it will be MY wants.

Instead I am going to wait for God’s timing in things. Trust His plan which He has set for me. Because following my own plan has been failing…..real bad. I will Pursue, Love, Desire, and Want God. The rest will come.

Picking up where we left off…

The very next day (Monday), I went with my folks to Rock Church of Franklin for a straight up worship service night. I got there and said hey to some good friends I only see 2 or 3 times a year. This includes my Rabbi Kris. So worship went down for over 2 hours. Every once in a while people would grab a mic and have a word from the Lord and stuff. It was great.

Then, the pastor came up and said there was a young person, either late teens or early 20’s, had a word for their generation. I immediately tried putting my heart back in my chest because it felt like it was outside of my body. I slowly started towards the front when about 3 other young adults walked up on stage before me. They each said different things. It was all very good and powerful.

Then it was my turn. 

I spoke what I felt God placed on my heart so say. To sum it up, I spoke out against the extreme selfishness of my generation (and everyone for that matter). I tried to portray the same feelings I got from my worship experience the previous day. I mentioned something about how we are nothing without Christ. That we are nothing but Dry Bones (thanks, Gungor!). I don’t remember everything exactly. I spoke for about 5 minutes. And I wept through most of those 5 minutes. 

(Continued…)

It’s been a while since my last serious blog. This is mainly cause by my laziness (summer has this effect on me) and overall ADD-ness which has cause me to not read any of the books on my summer reading list among other things which need some focusing and time to do.

All that being said, I am ready to pour.

About 2 weeks ago today, I had some serious spiritual stirring going on. Sunday morning Jason was gone so Chris and I were scheduled to co-lead worship. Chris and I both had little to no voice due to yelling and singing a lot the previous day at a work related event. Chris also wasn’t feeling well and barely slept, so I said he could stay home and I could manage. Turns out, our bassist was out of town so it would have only been drums and piano. I called Chris and asked him to come and at least play guitar or bass if he could. Like a good friend, he came out with a good attitude, ready to worship.

We ran through a few songs and my voice felt fine, but when I went for any note about a middle C, a very weak wimpy sound came out. This is normal before leading for me. God has made it a habit to humble me before I lead, and takes my voice away. Then after the worship team prays and the service starts, the voice is back and it goes as good as God allows me. 

This time was different. 

My voice didn’t come back. I barely got through the songs alive. I even skipped one or two songs because I knew I couldn’t do it. The last song we did was the very popular “How He Loves” by John Mark MacMillan. With my voice incapacitated, I was singing it an octave low. It didn’t feel effective or powerful like usual, yet after singing the chorus a few times I began to weep. I didn’t cry…I wept. There’s a difference. I think weeping is more intimate. It is a deep cry that comes from your heart. I wept for the sake of not being able to love Christ as much as He loves me. God was moving in me more than He had in a long time. I was weeping so hysterically, I literally could not sing. I was weeping the words. 

For the sake of getting too lengthy, I’m separating this into 2 or 3 posts. If you want to continue reading, please do in my next blog. I promise there is a main point to these posts.